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Ordering one up is sort of like picking a song on the jukebox, watching that electronic arm grab one from its slot and deliver it to you. For someone with low self-esteem, who had rarely gotten any kind of sexual attention in real life, going online was like falling down a rabbit hole into a life I had previously only read about in the "Sweet Valley High" novels I mulled over -- the kind of life where boys and men want to "chat" with you, and sex with another person is a tangible possibility.

Since I was 13 years old, every boyfriend I ever had pretty much came from the Internet.

And when it's time to go to the mall Girl: I need to go shopping.

Girl: 'Cause she doesn't like me and I don't like her.

Picture conveyer belts of them trailing endlessly into the distance, hard and ready with dicks in hand. The first time I ever went online, to Prodigy back when they existed and charged by time spent signed on, I felt its vast potential for interpersonal relations, much like the first thing I wanted to do on Chatroulette was show people my boobs.

He laughs, says ‘wow, that’s a hell of a line’ but admits he has a girlfriend.

He says if he didn’t he’d have given me his number, though, and I leave, pleased I appear to have made his night. But it gives me the chance to establish he has an accent so, after being given a lighter and cigarette I don’t need, I chat to Pedro and Flávio about Portugal. Effectiveness – 7/10 – Really good but best to use it if you actually smoke…

I basically reduced vast amounts of world-changing technology and advanced circuitry to a fancy machine for talking to boys.

Those of you who argue with me about the ease of getting laid should go right now and post an ad on Craigslist, then sift through the hundreds of responses.

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